0 he Raking through the dustbin of gossip and trivia
Reality mimicking the 5.}; movies: Eddie Murphy and Owen Wilson in l Spy‘
I Insider had the misfortune of sitting down to an episode of the television sitcom All About Me and. between swigs of petrol-laced chocolate liqueurs. thoughts of occasional murder and disability ramp demolition. Insider began to wonder whatever happened to the great sitcoms of yesteryear? ln Sickness and Health. Steptoe and Son. Hancock blah blah and then Insider remembered On the Buses. a comedy s ) feeble it made Robin Askwith's ConfeSSions movies look like works of a feverish passionate genius. Only in England could two ugly blokes and a gummy moron really persuade an audience that bus drivers in the economically bankrupt London of the mid-1970s lived in anything but union harassed misery. It seems to Insider that there has to be a low common denominator in British TV comedy that WI“ always bolster the most mediocre of work. Guilt. of course. immediately washed over Insider when the news of the death of Bob Grant filtered from the hilltop cowbells. Grant played the cheeky conductor Jack Harper throughout the entire show. He had suffered from depresswe illness his whole life and had finally decided to bite the big one by booking a hose pipe onto his car exhaust before stepping into the front seat with the other end on Saturday 8 November. aged 71.
spy for the BBC
I Ahh Burgess. Mclean, Blunt and Philby. Once they were idealistic. delicious boys, very much after Insider's own heart. Crumpets toasted over a large open fire while receiving six of the best on bare hairless buttocks from the head boy. Those were indeed the days (for Insider these are just false memories: trailer parks on landfill dumps rarely come with a public school attached) and now they can be yours. No. not the Harrow/Eton thing — the traitor thing. You see. the BBC is offering members of the public a chance to be betray their country and become a spy. Insider knows you have been stabbing all your mates in the back for years — now it is your chance to do it on an international scale. The BBC is looking for eight recruits who will join a unique training programme to become spies. The training will require a full time commitment of seven to eight weeks next spring. During training. you will be taught by intelligence service professionals how to dress. act and think like a spy. Your training will be based on the actual tests used by MIS, MIG, Mossad and the CIA. Operations will all take place in the real world. The application to SPY must be confidential, the programmes will be broadcast on BBC2 sometime in 2004. and they are taking applications now until 5 December. If you are mad. stupid or just fancy a bit of the old Mata Haris. check out the slightly sillly www.codespy.co.uk or telephone for an application form: 0207
241 9302. See you in Marseilles. turncoat.
Nick Fury coming to a screen near you
i NICK WRwa
IE
11:.-- i~’\
f.
I Now for a few
bits of good news.
Marvel has .
announced plans =2 0 ..
to make films about a few of the less well known superl'ieroes. namely Nick Fury. Namor
and Iron Fist. so comic book
fans can stop ,. jerking off to that worn out DVD of The Hulk they brought at the car boot sale. Also Meatloaf has been forced to cancel all his Scottish land UK Wide) shows because of a Viral infection.
Horn of Siegfried and Boy. Allegedly. as Boy sits in his high security LA hospital after being severely mauled during a magic act by his favourite tiger. Swedish magician Joe Labero is beuig groomed to take his place in the multimillion dollar showbtisiness franchise. Labero. though half the age of S&R. shares a fondness for bouffonted hair. dress shirts and facial stroke plastic surgery. In his homeland he is known as ‘the rock'n'roll magician'. which has got to be a bad sign.
/22//
,l
film The Rocky l-lorror Picture Show from being handed over lock. stock and barrel to Sing-a-long-a. the company that turns classic film musicals into singalong camp tests.
be available for VieWing theatrically Without the sodding lyric subtitles on
I And finally Insider would like all you scum to show your support for the current campaign to stop the 197:3
you are just bored of the Graham Nortoni/ation of our culture. Visit
I More news on the story of Roy wwwsingaloiigasuckscom
By deing this, the meme will no longer
them. Heavens to Betsy! If you care or
The Front
' theiluotes
‘l’d just broken up with my girlfriend, who was African- American, and l reacted like an angry, stupid kid. I hope people will take it for the foolishness that it was.’ Eminent reacts to the discovery of ten— year-old songs which have rather negative things to say about black WO/HOIl.
‘Yours look so good. Ours look like bulldogs.’
Robbie Williams tells his Norwegian fans that they have the finest looking royals in the world.
‘l’ve lost weight and my boobs have gone; they’re just clinging on for dear life.’ Alfie remake star Sienna Miller has spotted an intriguing side effect of working too hard.
‘I think people have had enough of Sir Cliff Richard, boy bands and Pop Idol. It’s time to give the public something more unusual.’ That's one word for it. Major James Ding Dong' HOW/H on his new rapping career with So Solid's Harvey.
‘This is a tremendous honour that has been bestowed on me. I can’t thank the fans enough for their magnificent support.’
Manchester City legend Colin Bell is touched by the confirmation that a stand at the club 's ground will be named after him. That 'll be the Bell End. then?
‘I’m turning into a much more superficial person. Not that I used to be especially deep}
Hugh Grant opens up about his lack of inner quality.
Superficial animal
7/ Ne:
' ' [)e:
:1’(7(?;§ THE LIST 1 1