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Head lice, biscuit theft and ox-like wit: The Grand
TV REVIEW Channel
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For a man who claims not to do telly, Eddie l/zard does a rather fine impression of someone willing to sell the nearest granny jllSI to get half a moment's cathode ray exposure Havrng taken over a whole night of Channel 4's festive scheduling, the varnished one somehow contrived to get a seat on Question Time lBBCl,
Thursdays) Alongside Eddie were Rangers Vice Chairman, QC, No-No
Cariipaigner and pipe-chomper extraordinnaire, 'controversial' Donald Findlay, the SNP's distinctly non- controversial Nicola Sturgeon, and Gavin Strang for the Government Donald Dewar originally had been pencilled in, but l/xard's 'total clothing rights' policy and Findlay's whiskers
«;_.:iei°ii::iti'ttance feil flat
‘ ' both and assembled titmttig. Either the microphones
{tie timers and cokeheads had sisi'iictied of? or they met his isetttused Silence
must have scared him off
\\"hetl‘.er Do't wou'd have got big laughs from (is oi; the word 'banios' is hard to say, but Hard's denial of their appearance at the much-maligned Number 10 Lahou' love-ins managed :2 Vet DaVid Dirnhlehy very nearly stole the show on taking a guestion from ".he woman ll‘ s;arlet' A deathly hush fe‘ <:‘.'e' the '03.":
Two r":}l‘.2s late', l/zard was back on t“e ttox ;i‘ 'vi::'e olausfole surroundings a'. "‘e NME Brat Awards (Channel 4) Vin.- could tel Edd'e was more relaxed fict'v‘ tt‘e fact that he said the word LK‘K ;:-i a \'<i'|<)lli thereof on around 235 occasions some 235 times more '."a" ::r‘ Question Time where he only 'i‘ariagetl a solitary ‘dickhead' D'sanooi'iting'y his performance fell a ‘itt‘e flat for both Viewer and ed throng either the 'Y‘.:'(jl2"i)."i(’S among the liggers and
'w;>"<‘-a:1s had been switched off or
cihht'" l,
they really met his ramblings With bemused silence.
The men's urinal set, meanwhile, took on some phallocentric Symbolism for the ceremony's results as a grand total of zero women were invited to blurt out their acceptance speeches Mind you, if they were anything like those we were treated to, it probably wouldn't have made a lick of difference 'You've done us proud', (Embrace), 'gotta go' (Bentley Rhythm Ace) and ’I'm speechless Bark Respect ' (The Prodigy) were among the more florid.
Prat of the evening was undoubtedly Mark E. Smith, who gained one thumbs up for his speech as he bit the index finger which had Just led him, but a fistful of rasps for his downright shoddy rudeness towards dear old Jo Whiley who had the audaCious temerity to ask him how it felt to Win the Godlike Genius award 'Fuck off,’ he eventually mumbled at the woman who w0uldn't hurt a fly even if it were draining her very lifeforce
Which you may find happening to you d you persevere With the everyday gorngs- on of a swanky ZOs hotel in The Grand (Scottish, Fridays) With, as one character so astutely put it, ’the Wit of an ox', the writers are threatening to inflict torpid period drama upon you Head lice, bichit theft and the correct way to fold bedsheets were crucial themes as cast and clock Joined forces in sleepwalking towards News At Ten
The subject of Slick Willie has raised its bobbing head on more than one occasion on the news recently, while JFK, Clinton's prototype, was havmg his good side resurrected iii Walden 0n Heroes (BBCZ, Tuesdays) He may not be able to speak properly or read an autocue, but Brian Walden can captivate an audience With no more than the strength of his argument and a huge pair of Jiggling earlobes While he was unable to grant Kennedy herOic status, Walden reminded us that there was more to him than being the Vice President to, very nearly, end them all (Brian Donaldson)
This Morning With Richard Not Judy BBCZ, Sun 15 Feb, 12.15pm.
Comedy duos are very rarely the result of a marriage made in anywhere apprOximating heaven Bernie and Mike Winters famously loathed each other, one gets the impression that Eric didn‘t always feel gurlt at his putting down of Ernie, and those masters of mirth Noel and Liam need no further comment
Yet, yOu get the feeling that Stewart Lee and Richard Herring, of Lee and Herring fame, are secretly the greatest of mates as well as comic partners Their new show This Morning With Richard, Not judy - a live spoof of daytime chat shows — is a cult reference to a little-known comedy double-act who stalk the nation’s settees at some ungodly hour Some might say that the real Madeleys are funny enough, but nevertheless, the Lee and Herring version goes out on Sunday lunchtimes and promises a diet of 'reasonable live entertainment for hung-over people waking up late'
For those of you who didn't see the show during last year's Edinburgh Festival, our reviewer described the experience as being 'like sitting the pub With your mates shooting the breeze. It's warm, comfortable and yOu'll have a laugh'. Which IS a recommendation of sorts Certainly the show boasted a pantheon of guests including seminal German krautrockers Faust
Chat-show kings: Lee and Herring
As well as all manner of guests, there Will be regular faces appearing such as an eloquent Citrus frtiit entitled The Curious Orange, The Organ Gang who are a group of poorly animated human intestines, and an unusual priest called
erm The Unusual Priest Also pooping up Will be Histor, a one-eyed crow who explains Current affairs to infants, and Trevor Lock, a handsome young mute boy With a tiny face.
If, after eight weeks of sharing a couch on a Sunday morning, Richard and Stewart can still stand the sight of one another Without an overwhelming desire to scratch and tear one another's eyes out, they should perhaps Just go ahead and do the decent thing and get hitched. (Brian Donaldson)
Soapbox
Soap plots can be total murder. That’s horribly true for two shows this fortnight.
Murder will out: Sunset Beach's Ben and Meg
Time moves slowly in Sunset Beach You start watching the Saturday omnibus of Channel 5's imported supersoap, go round town, do yOur weekly shop, have a long lunch, and come back to find characters still havmg the same conversation Repeatedly chopping between long, static scenes, the effect is soporific but strangely fascinating Like TV Prozac, more and more of us are becoming hooked
The show's blueprint includes elements of most popular US soaps, lawyers, millionaires, lifeguards, cops, doctors, Californian teens and a coffee shop By some oversight there's no Oll well or psychiatrist, but the
wonderfully wooden Lesley-Anne Down, all nerves and teQuila, more than compensates.
Dippy herOine Meg-From-Kansas, as she's mostly known, IS harbouring doubts over handsome Englishman Ben. After falling for Ben anonymously on ’the innernet’ she absconded from her wedding to find him. Several millennia later, they eventually discovered each other's identities Now Ben has vowed his love. At great length
Trying to escape the tedium, MFK hides in an enormous cupboard, and finds a giant pair of SCISSOTS, dripping With blood. Can there be a connection to the mysterious disappearance, some years ago, of his first Wife7 'There has to be a rational explanationl’ she wails, out loud. Sunset Beach IS big on solilogwes.
Try Sunset Beach, this week, next week or the week after. There's plenty of time to catch up.
Meanwhile, EastEnders are teasing us With the possibility that SanJay has done away With Gita. It’s unlikely because Albert Square's residents can't take any action Without first discussing it With all and Sundry, Oddly, no one seems terribly concerned. Even the police have only assigned the bloke from the Carling Black Label adverts to investigate
The Kapoors have had dull plots for sometime, gomg ‘off to India' for months at a stretch or havrng an uninvolvmg go at the issue of lflferillliy, Reinventing Saniay as Walford's Hannibal Lecter could be a brilliant move, but there Will, of course, be a rational explanation. (Andrea Mullaney)
6—19 Feb 1998 THE lIST 107