FEATIIRE 200th ISSUE
Getting Personal
You don’t have to be ‘blonde, petite, (25), with own flat’, but it helps. Over the years, The List’s Personal Ads have helped team
up hillwalkers with cat lovers, sensitive souls with bon viveurs, lonely hearts with ‘ the love of their life. Some keep the words
simple; others add a little imagination. Here, we look back on some of the best ads
from 200 issues. TIIE STORY TELER TIIE BUILT I'm IOIGOODOIATbomere was IGanghtyoulCaughtyou. a 38-year-old man who was You're reading the Personal ads. really fed up and wanted a bit of wn'te to me or I‘ll tell your feminine company. Instead of friends. Chippendales' reject braving the Wargs in the Wild seeks pretty super girly. Likes
Western Woods (risky without a Magic Sword!) he decided to try an advert. Any interested Fairy Princesses wishing to help him live Happily Ever After can contact him at Box No 143/59.
TllE ALLITERATIVE
I SIIII, slim, scintillating SIM! seeking socialist. single. sexy suitor. sub-40. Send snap. Box No 86/ 14.
THE BLUES
I Don’t need a man-hater. double-dater. yella-bellied alligator. 1 need a woman. Box
most things List-y. Doc Martens essential. Box No 152/17.
I Fed up being caught bopping round your room to Peely by bemused flatmates? Glasgow guy (25) just looking for more people (male/female) to see good music with. Box No 128/11.
TlIE EXTRA TERRESTRIAI.
I Space man calling planet Earth. My flying saucer landed. Glasgow. 1964 and I’ve been instructed to seek friendship with similar. discreet. straight- acting. attractive gay humanoid. Please acknowledge. Box No 133/5.
TllE AUTOMOTIVE
I Illth Bargain. Glasgow area. 1950 issue. independent. stylish. a lively model. she veers intellectually. Engine overworked. so long garaged. Seeks similar male to park with
"IE WOEAO
I Bill! of the flight male vampire (25). long hair. desires lady in black to enfold in my dark cloak. Romantics and dreamers only. Looks unimportant. blood essential. No Van Helsings. Box No
A 192147.
T! WHAT“:
I m lady seeks flavouraome gentleman. Box No 5127.
I Bicycle seeks Fill Box No 190/14.
mmvnomsr I
chub-hacked, cross-eyed. ~ club-footed female dwarf with absoluwa no interest in hillwalking. cinema or theatre, utterly unemployable with no sense of humour and a horrible personality seeks similar male. Box No 142130. I m .ch but stupid Edinburgh man (28). loves music, movies. exercising. socialising, days off work and females (25—30ish). Hates jelly. Will try anything that doesn’t involve jelly! No heart breakers. Box No 194/6. I Tried to It'll. a witty advertisement in 30 werds. but failed. So if you’d like to amuse this gay male (32) with rather more. please write. 5ft 9in. dark hair. brown eyes. Box No 189/33. I 11eg, boring bastard already 35 and only 5ft 9in. without Porsche or sense of humour seeks attractive girl who likes a challenge. Box No 147/41.
TllE STRAIGHTFORWARO
I Attractive, outgoing woman (31) with no dirty laundry. wants a man who is pub-trained. self- supporting. Lothian-based and
“IE IRSISTEIT
I llavid phone llonald David phone Donald David phone Donald David phone Donald David phone Donald David phone Donald David phone Donald
I m - February 14th Bathroom accessories department. You with mother? We shared lift to ground floor and exchanged serious eye contact -— mutual attraction. Please get in touch. Box No 169/31.
TIE MARIE
I m m Witt seeks partner to bill ’n’ coo with. Box No 5I26.
I buxom Wench seeks seaweed-loving chauffeur with back seat. Box No 4/16.
I Panstlan and talentless twentyf=*ingsomething seeks escape from evenings of forward defensives. Proust and excessive onanism. Bearded amazons unwelcome — must look good in Big Margaret's wig. not necessarily like Ally McCoist. Box No 123/5.
TllE VllSllFlll TllllKER
I You are model. nympho. loaded. 25-40. living in Glasgow. enjoy good things in life. I am an experienced 36- year-old professional male. willing to compromise. Photo welcome. No dogs please. Box No 88/15.
I llappy liorny lletero (46). seeks teenage. black nympho with own brewery. Propositions also welcomed from older sisters/mothets/grannies? Colour immaterial. Exuberant. earthy extroverts preferred by amiable divorced Glaswegian.
Q.
THE LIST
7
I Salman liushdie doesn't have as many nights in as me. How about you? Male (32) seeks female under 30 to hide out with in theatres. cinemas. eateries and 1990 events. Box No 116/1.
TllE LITERATE
I lcarus (ST/5" Sill) seeks menopassed woman for swimming lessons. Box No
87/ 10.
I line thousand ship fleet seeks Helen’s whereabouts. Box No 73/2.
THE CINEMATIC
I Thelma seeks louise! Attractive. happy. single girl (22) needs up-beat companions on the road to fun and adventure — with or without men! Would be good mate and supportive friend. Glasgow. Box No 158/40.
TllE OOllBTEli
I I doubt very much if attractive. intelligent. humorous. leftish. arts interested. youngish. gay men reply to personal ads. However one similar to the above would like to be proved wrong. Box No 91/15.
TllE SIGN OF THE TlMES I Wanted A 'New Man'. Box No l79/l4.
TllE ALPHABETICAL
I Amorous. Bubbly. Curvaceous. Daring. Enigmatic. Female Gleefully Hunts Interesting Jocks. Kindled Love Makes Nights Of Passion. Qualified? Reply Soon To Undemoted. Venture With Xtra
at restaurants, cinemas. theatres. concerts. Box No 70/10.
unmarried. Photo appreciated. ALA. Box No 189/14.
Box No 79/12.
Youthful Zest! Box No 119/17.
Blind dates
The ad has been placed, you’ve been swamped with replies, but will it end in wedding bells or complete disaster? We asked for tales of your list Personal Ads experiences, so here are fweofthebest, bothofwhlchwlna bottle of chapagne for the writers. Iames have been changed to protect the Innocent.
SENSITIVE GLASGOW
FEMALE ladvertisedlnthesumerof’st in thesaeissuethatafrlend described herself as ‘exceptlonally tall Glasgow female’. 1 was the ‘sensitive Glasgow female’ looking for a man who was into hillwaltlng, food, wine and cats.
My tall friend bottled when she got thereplies,butlwentaheadandmet Andy outside a municipal building in Glasgow. lie said he would be wearing a white coat, which unfortunately he was (looked like bloody Tlntln!!!).
On our first meeting, he told me he was leaving town on business a couple of days later. llnbeknownst to h, I found out that my brother-In-law was his personnel officer and that he’d resigned from his firm a few days
previously. My brother-In-law had given me a pretty good reference, though, so I overlooked this minor indescretlon, which he later admitted was an escape route he’d planned in advance, never having met someone in this manner before.
We met up again ten days later and, within a fortnight, he was cooking me fish balls in my flat. lie does share my love of food, but is allergic to cats. lie is also partial to wine, and under the influence of this he proposed marriage. We’ve been married for five months and got List T-shlrts as wedding presents. We’d love the champagne for our first wedding anniversary.
EXTREMELY ATTRACTIVE
BlllllllE
‘Go on, it’s a great Idea, what have you got to lose?’ urged my friend. So I did it, i placed an advertisement in The list’s Personal Column. lt read: ‘Extremely attractive blonde female wants someone to take her away from all this’.
The post that week was astounding. i received 32 letters. I had a fan club! lieplies from lonely types, complete desperate types, unattractive types and a few ‘could give them a go’ types. I decided to give one of the ‘could give them a go’ a phone. What a
surprise - no long embarrassing silences, no accidental ‘I’ve got to go’ excuses and no ‘rebound’ talk. We must meet. ill God, how will i recognise him? ile’d be wearing a purple iacket. Purple! What If he’s got incredibly bad dress «use? Should I be late? Should I dress up? Should I go?
We arranged to meet at 8pm in the West End of Glasgow. ‘l’ve got a date!’ I told my friend. ‘l’m dead worried, what If I hate him? I don’t think I can . squeeze my way out of the ladies loo window, I’m too fat!’ “It’ll be brilliant, lust go,’ she assured me.
i decided to be cool and arrived seven and a half minutes late. When I finally arrived at our rendevous, a guy, who did not fit the photofile description, was standing there waiting, in a purple jacket. Thoughts raced through my head: yes, bad dress sense, but what if he wants to kill me? lie certainly had extremer strange body language. I walked towards him, thinking about how big the window in the loo actually was, and carried straight on past him, ending up in the nearest pub. After about three and a half minutes I emerged and decided to gobackandseeifhewasstilithere. lie wasn’t, but instead here was a handsome purple-jacketed young man. ‘111, I’m .lohn,’ he said. ‘Am I waiting for you?’ Yes, yes, yes, oh good God,
yes. I was so relieved that he was normal. he had seen this other ominous-looking guy in the purple jacket and wondered if I thought he was him. he said ‘lle was my alter- ego’ and It worried him!
We ended up drinking a lot to over- compensate for our obvious shyness. By the end of the evening, after talking about everything from his parents to my underwater origami skills, he lent over and kissed me passionater on the lips. This took me by complete surprise. i wasn’t even sure if I really did fancy him. lle walked e home, and the whole time I was thinking - is he a compromise, or am I lust drunk and feeling frustratedly lusty? I did invite him in for a Gold Blend, and we talked more and kissed more. Eventually I asked him to go, and he said he’d call.
‘llow did it go?’ asked my friend enthusiastically. ‘l’m not sure, i might see him again. But I was so drunk I can’t even remember if I fancied him. These blind date things are so weird, he’s a complete stranger. Anyway, he said he’d call, so I’ll see.’
As much as I didn’t want to, I ended up waiting In all week for the phone to ring. it did, of course: my friend, my mother, my aunt, but not him. Strangely, even though deep down i knew that he was a compromise, I couldn’t help wondering - what if?
ill The List 7—21) May 1993