THE
LIST
I A Brighter Shade 0t Palin: it you too were disappointed by the bland colourscheme otAmerican Friends. think back tothe good old days, whenthe Python team weren'talraid
to cut a dash inraunchy Roman red. The ‘controversial‘ Lite 0t Brian hasitslirsttelevision screening on Channel 4 as
part at the Banned series.
See TV preview. page 69.
I Trust me — I'm a doctor. Femmetatale Miriam Stoppard. in Edinburgh to dispense advice on ‘anything. . .vvhetherthat be. ..acneor. .. llatulence'. looks asthough she has other things on her mind-or perhapsthat's just the way she's sitting. See Science Festival listings. page 75.
I Corblimey! You cantell 'e's a Beat Actor-jus‘ look at that rollneck! Bob ‘oskins (modelling a sprauncy numberacquired from Santa Claus circa 1974) takes sartorial tipslrom Paul Scolield while recording Don Quixote tor BBC Radio 3. See Media preview page 69. l
Someone should tell David leke that ifyou‘re goingto call yourself the Spirit OfThe Son Of God. ehoosingthe day before Good Friday to break the news is tempting fate just a little. The Shortlist writer regretfully puts ' away his nails. and hammers out some stories instead.
WHAT WITH The Sunday Scot. . Vanity Fair andZit. we thought we‘d seen our fair share ofeccentric publications over the last couple of weeks. Spotlight though. takes the biscuit. or rather the pot noodle. for this Golden Wonder-produced magazine is entirely devoted to the instant foodstuff regularly reviled in Jasper Carrot routines. Features include offers to claim a Sony Discman. which merely requires the consumption of 1000 Pot Noodles. (How many Pot Noodle tokens get you a BUPA bowel Operation guys?) One of the most revealing articles is the admirably frank one recommending the product to vegetarians. ‘There are five vegetarian flavours to choose from.‘ they proudly boast. ‘Beef And Tomato. Spicy Curry. Chicken Curry. Chicken Supreme. and Chilli Con Carne. None of the ingredients contain any meat.‘ (shouldn‘t that be Chilli Sin Carne then? — smartassed Hispanic Ed).
A SWIFT glance through this edition ofthe magazine reveals that The List l contains roughly 3000 different phone numbers. Those erudite people at British Telecom estimate in their wisdom that since 2 April a telephone number is worth 43p. Using this as a guideline. we figured that a copy of The List telephone number service alone was worth in the region of£l300. However. bearing in mind that the figure looks rather unaesthetic on the cover. and that we aren‘t complete and utter rip-off merchants. we decided on a compromise. Fora mere 90p you can let your fingers do the walking (nice slogan. eh?) and tell BT where to stick their Directory Enquiries.
FOUR OF Britain‘s greatest thespian names are soon to be treading the boards at Glasgow's Mitchell Theatre. and nary a fanfare has been heard. While Prunella and Timothy are bashing out some old tosh about squabbling families at the Theatre Royal. and Glenda emotes away at the (‘itz. our four heroes have been sadly ignored. As some measure ofatonement for this sad lapse. please pay your respects to Frederick Payne (Matt from
Emmerdale Farm). Lynette l
McMorrough (Glenda Brownlow from Crossroads). Anna Karen (the immortal Olive from ()n The Buses) and the truly legendary Roy North (‘Mr Roy'. the man who played the stooge to furry megastar Basil Brush). The glittering quartet will be bringing their own individual interpretation to the Bard's (Michael Frayn‘s) Noises Off. Never has the Mitchell's stage been graced by such etc etc.
REMEMBER our Valentine‘s Day special (with that delightful pin-up of la dame Barbara Cartland) and Andrew ‘Lonely' Burnet standing forlornly in line for a Blind Date audition? Well. it seems that our Andrew. despite not coming from Essex nor owning his own fitness centre. has got what it takes. for he has been summoned to a second audition. and could be but a breath away from hearing those immortal words from Cilla look at his hurr. girls‘. Unfortunately Andrew is somewhat tied up at the moment. performing in Inferno/at the Tron. which ironically enough includes a Blind Date parody. We look forward to the delicious prospect ofhis first question at (1.45pm on a Saturday. ‘lf ( you were to come and see me at the theatre. simulating homosexual acts twice a night. how would you react?’ Would Cilla find it a lorra lorra laughs? Possibly not.
PICTURE THE scene: a couple of comedy fanatics from Glasgow stagger blinking along the streets of Melbourne. when they stumble on the Comedy Club. a famous venue
for Antipodean stand-up. ‘It‘s $25 and we’re on a tight budget.‘ said
one. ‘N 'ver mind.‘ laughed her companion. ‘at least it won't be one
of the Funny Farm.‘ Once inside.
they laughed appreciatively at the compere's warm-up lines and sat
back expectantly as he introduced
his first guest ‘l.adeez and gennelmen. put your hands together for the man in the shades. all the way from Glasgow. Mr Stu Whof' It was a long night. punctuated by many a familiar ‘gag'. Is there any part ofthe globe beyond the reach of this man? 3 Your letters. please. [
The List 5— l8 April 19913