Festival virgins
What with the smelly costumes and saunas, it's been a mixed debut week at the Fringe for New Art Club. They take us through the highs and lows of their first Festival pillaging.
Reasons to be cheerfuf
I Being accosted by a multi-colourtxi hyperactive woman with a microphone and conducting an interview for BBC World Service in the pOuring rain under an inflatable purple cow
I Laughing hysterically at Greg Fleet 's last gag whilst trying to take in the next at the Gilded Balloon press launch
I Sharing a dressing room with comedy hero Phil Kay and smelling his sweat from the prevnous night
I Having a nice rest during a truly awful show that our PR guy has just told us not to name in this piece
I The schadenfreude experienced when seeing comedy stars at the top
TAKE 5
Festival people
'OUR COSTUMES ALREADY ST INK TO HIGH HEAVEN AND IT'S ONLY DAY THREE'
of their game stagger through their very first shows tempered by the sure knowledge that they'll be bloody excellent in two days time
I The alternative festival taking place before our very eyes in our rented flat on Brougham Place. The comedy there is unbelievable. the dance
amazing. the wine superior. the catering first class but the toilets worse than Glastonbury's
I Skipping up cobbled streets like a pair of girls at our show warm up knowing full well that we left any dignity we may have had on the train to Waverley
I The fear of flyering and facing our own misanthropic daemons only to discover that everyone's quite nice really when you ask them to come and help discover a brand new dance cra/e
I The free sauna at the Pleasance Dome. Go watch any show there but do remember to take a bathrobe
I Getting pissed on the free booxe at the various press launches.
Recseris eighth/r peeeed
I Being heckled by kids with words that rhyme with banker whilst filming the title sequence for The Culture Show in anto Square. We were once just like them so maybe one day they'll be contemporary dance stars
I Our costumes stink to high heaven and it's only day three
I Leaving a soiled jock strap on the bus and deciding against calling lost property
I The guilt and sadness felt when your four year old daughter leaves a message saying “l love you and I'm missing you" when out on the piss
I Not being able to see all the other great shows that are on at 3.15.
New Art Club ’3 Extra Ordinary World, Gilded Balloon Teviot, 668 1633, until 25 Aug (not 11, 18),
3. 15pm, £9—£10 (£8439)
Visit www.list.co.uk for daily arts & entertainment news
FESTIVAL ESSENTIALS
What the guide books don’t tell you about Edinburgh in August
Don’t stay out past 3am
You may arrive rej0icing in the 5am bar extensions but a night spent witnessing the sweaty. monstrous creeps that emerge after the conservative 2.55am mark Will dissuade forever more. And they were the friends you came with. The situation deteriorates exponentially when sambuca is added.
Do eat off the Royal Mile
It may be where all the action is happening but you might find your pennies exhausted on the golden mile. There are a whole host of places just paces away: try the veggie baked potato shop at the top of Cockburn Street or Spoon on Blackfriar's Street if you fancy a hearty menu that doesn't include a cliched haggis medley. Always add 22 minutes to every journey you make, regardless of how long you think it will be
The surge of pamphleteers. the engorged crowd around the stilt- balancing flame-throwers and bad directions will guarantee you arrive late if you forget our rule. And it will probably be one of those shows where there are no late entries because you have to walk across the stage. or some such nonsense.
Find free wi-fi
Some of the venues have it. pubs like The Jolly Judge and cool bars like the Villager have it. so ask and hook up. It Will save you a liver and will save you from a cramped internet cafe or two and you can blog to your heart's content. For full details see www.list.co.uk places wr- fi
The Agent
'Oh but isn't he just hrI-ar-i-ous/y funny daahling? We're lining him up f0r his own Friday Night Project series. He's on Mock the Week next month, y'know . . .‘ The sacred golden comic cash cow's agent 0003 down the phone. If only she c0u|d do it a bit more Quietly. And maybe a bit further away from us.
The continua tourists
Bless 'em, l-lokling maps upside down and mournfully asking the whereabouts of the Scott Monument whilst leaning against one of its majestic stone legs. they need all the help they can get.
6 THE LIST FESTIVAL MAGAZINE i' -14 Aug 7008
The: street perform-tum
With so much on offer, why pay for a show? Given the high standard on offer, we want to see the Ultimate Street Performer this year: a flame-juggling act costumed in highly flammable Scooby Doo costume. with a unicycle and a child star thrown in for good meaSure.
The hungover leaflotor
Far more appealing than their perky comrades. the hungoxer Ieafleter WOéllS shades to protect her bloodshot eyes and can barely lift her glossy photocopy. let alone tell you about Sparkly Sam, the magicran
The bored journo
After 19 shows in 48 hours. the glazed look Of the guy brandishing a press pass in the back row is apparent for all to see. Just a pity then that his snoring masked the Crucial plot tWist for the QO-strong 'intimate' audience. Two stars.