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In Neighbours from Hull, Graham Fellows (AKA Jilted John, Brian Appleton, John Shuttleworth) introduces us to his new creation, Dave Tordoff. Here, the laser screed concrete floorer extraordinaire brings us some top tips on his new career: after dinner speaking.
ENGAGE! (Erah aurlse". r: tr, the gonads; trom ll‘.t‘ 1rd go. Make l‘rt; “and gestures ltrt rt as lrrg at; that Magrrus Prke l )‘rst? used to do: that'd he rlaltr. arrrl ltl(?.‘;tl‘rt:l!.'t' 'r-rrt .'./rth a tale from ‘,our youth. lira gorra classy; the stop, of hr. l was t:rut:rlietl on rnr- stag night. Alright. n‘ratl things happen on stag nrghtr; out what you have to rememher rs: tlrrs were rrr, ltltrili Not rt){l‘~. elsetfl IMPRESS! It's no good turnrrrg up r!‘. a serutty l—shrrt and Jeans; and expe<:trrrg a rootttltrl of handreapped gollers rer', I mean golfers who are gurte good. not ones wrth plastrt: lrmhs an' thatlr to look up to yer. (3et a rave desrgner surt on a l aeoste shrrt and Itrtl Baker tre rt rt's an rntormal do. It as l>|a<:k tre then. well. wear a black tre! Don't lrght up a llamlet as they serve yer (tognatf: haye a llaxana. lvlesell. I'd rather have Anna. (ledo‘rt’? 'Ihat erattkrn one lrner hr'rngs us nreely onto .
AMUSE! Keyrn Keegan rmy alter tlrnner speakrng mentorr mrght know a lot ahout toothall hut he's not the lunnrest hloke rn town. as he? Well. not when I saw him at a Doneaster Round lahle do a couple of years hack. My alter drnner patter rs; peppered wrth atte jokes lrke: 'What do you tfall a r‘retty' grrl rn Fdrnhurgh'.‘ 1\ tourrstf' Clever eh ;‘
HUMILIATEI Very, rrrrportant thrs. espeerally rt as a gentlemen's gatherr'rg. If someone dares to get up whrle you‘re talk'rrg to go to t'lrog, shoot ‘em down wrth: ‘0.) look. he's off to shake hands with the unemployedf' rllememlter: that puttloua‘ only. works \.'.'.th menl'r Also tr\ an: take the mrek out of as many ‘. to: 'Any Scots rrr tonrght lt someone puts thorr hand up say: ‘Whos huyrng your drinks tonrght then'." RELAX! The trest way to relax your audrentte rs to be, relaxed yourself. So haye a tierrple ot Whrs‘kres haekstage tretorehand \"Vell. you need to loosen that tongue somehow! Also
rememher the less soher you are when you
tttrttorrty groups as you tar
delryer' your speeeh. the itr'llllt‘l the r‘eat'ttron you get wrll appear to he. plus. rt some drunk starts heektrng. you won". gee a monkey s cos \‘Ou'll he leoless yourself. tart don't get so hammered that \Ou ’erget my foolproof ‘alr ect‘asron‘ ptrtdotw tor lteeklers: ‘l-lew. pat. what do you do tor an arse when Isle/try Dstk ants hrs mouth back." Do I say that right'.‘
I Pleasance Ceu'fystra'. 556 e550. 5-27 Aug rrrot 7-1, Str, 6. 750m, ‘ l—L‘U £84101.
Prewews mm .4 Au 3. 2.,
Free wheeling
One of 2005’s leftfield hits, Anna Crilly and Katy Wix’s crazed sketch vehicle Penny Spubb’s returns to the Fringe. Robin Lee tries to fathom their weird chemistry.
‘ an I . . . I'm just in make—up. and on the phone. aeting like a real diya.‘ 'llaye you got that really sweet
rnake-up girl'.’ I ean't remernher‘ her name. htrt she's got lireekles. she‘s quite young looking.‘
'No. she didn‘t do yer‘/.'
'( )h. she didn't do me. She di'unt doo meeayl Is she trying to do your make-up around the mohile'."
‘.-\round the phone. yeah. it’s really rude.‘
'You're gonna hay e a gap. You're gonna hay e like a white sidehtrrn where they hayen‘t put any make-up on.'
‘lirrn. listen. I'd hetter go aetually. he got a litre to learn.~
‘lt eould he worse. yotr eould he an aetual e\tra.‘
Via a ropey eonlerenee eall. I‘m talking to Anna (‘rilly and Katy \\'i\. the ladies hehind
l’t'rrrry .S'lrrr/r/r'y l’rrr'ly. ('t'illy is on the set ol'
l-jurm. heing prepared to he ehatted up by Rieky (ieryais. in an episode l‘eaturing Ian .\Iel\'ellen and lint 'l’arhuek. “is is at home in a seer'et loeation in the liast Iind or London. ()ur eonyersation iny'olyes the exaet whereabouts. htrt she jokingly adds: ‘I)on‘t print that? I know what these people are like. they‘re ohsessiyef lirm. what it. I say St 'I‘rope/I’ ‘Yes. 01' mayhe somewhere like Bulgaria. And then they eould liye there.’ The oxygen of 24-hour. in-yer-l'aee eelehrity' exposure has ohyiously gone straight to \Vix's head: whieh is ptrssihly' why she is disguised as a er‘rrstaeean on promotional material l‘or their upeonting show. I’r‘urr'rr l'r'ee. ()r rnayhe not. (‘rilly and \\'i.\ made their douhle aet dehut on the I‘ringe last year. knoeking the erities sideways with a series of sk'etehes that mixed the purely ridiculous with sharply- ohseryed Vignettes. l.ook'. it‘s the two
(‘arol .s . Vorderman. ' the staid
personalities ot‘
numhers hot'l‘irr \ersus the 'I‘\' glatttotrrptlss' ;\nd two pottymouthed ptrppers-snrlling eastern liur'opeans employ ed to teaeh ehildren ahout tolerance and understanding? Illllo's edrtron won't leatur'e any ol the ehar‘aeters l’rorn last year. Mr say goodhy e to Dr ( iay. the ttlltortllls l‘tlt ineornpetent optieian who uses eheese hiserrrts to test eyesight. and waye ta—ra to pompous .rr't dieks Bent l’osenpaek and l’ippa lrnage.
'I'he preyious may sound a little intense. htrt the natural eharm and warrrr elremistry hetweerr (‘r'illy and “is ensure that the edges are silly rather than ehippy. "last year was the lust time “Cid worked togetherf says \\ii\. '“t‘ eanre together with pre—e\isting material; that was a lot easier. This year it has heen drl'l'ieult at times. htrt we'ye sat around the laptop and wrote down whatey er made eaeh other laugh Sllllil‘ eomes Htll til the \llows as well. heeause we quite ol'ten go on seript and nruek ahotrt. And then we‘ll say. “Right. yeah. let's keep that in. that elearly got a laugh." 'I‘lris year they'll he working with a new direetor. l)a\id
‘I WAS OFF MY FACE ON PAINKILLERS FOR TEN DAYS'
Sant. ol‘ I’eL‘Polykus. ‘lle's a master ol’ the elown.~ says (Tilly. ‘and he l'elt that the elown was really eorning through in last year’s show. so he's deyeloping that with us this year.‘ l’ruu'rr l’r't't' promises a pair ol' prawns perl’orrning a Northern eaharet net and a eouple oli women who are trying to han aleopops htrt \Vix eonlesses that the show is not quite ready. ‘Sorne or it still isn’t written. so I earr‘t tell yotl what will eyentually happen. \Vete still playing around with stull htrt it's still quite surreal. I think we‘re trying to pttt more aetual
jokes in this year.‘ So a lot til. it is thrown
together at the last mintrte'.’ '()l' eourse not? Thrown together . ‘ deadpans ('rilly. '.\'o. weiy‘e heett lueky heeause we‘ye had a residency at the ('anal (are (in Londonr. \Ve'ye had l3 months to think up new ideas artd workshop sttlll. .-\nd we had loads ol' ideas l‘rom last year's show that we ney er prrt in.‘ The pair met through appearing in eornedy eompetitions— both got through to the tinals ot the So You Think I’orr'r't' Funny." and /*rrrrrr\ ll'omt'rr awards and it was (‘rilly who approaelted \Vix al‘ter’wards ahout ptrttirrg together a sketeh show. 'l‘hen. lttst hel'ore August 2005. Wis was inyolyed in a nasty \ ear erash. 'I was still on these really. ridieulously strong painkillers when I got to the liestiyal. I didn‘t need to drink eos I w as hasieally till my time lot' ahout ten days. Then I eame oll the painkillers. It was quite rock and roll: I was a hit up R and down. like Judy Garland. She went ‘ ‘ through her showhi/ eareer on uppers and downers: mayhe it‘s still possible to do it today.
Pleasance Courtyard, 556 6550, 5-28 Aug (not 15), 5.10pm, {28.50-29.50 (‘27-'28). Previews until 4 Aug, £5.
. g L/ THE LIST FESTIVAL MAGAZINE 21