A very rough guide to the Edinburgh festival
JIMMY CARR’s survival tips
Bad shows
The I’ringe. a bastard child of the original International liestiyal. now dwarfs its parent. thanks to its genius central premise. which is that anyone a yes. anyone with enough money and misplaced self confidence can put on a show.
Out of 20.342 performances in 2002. some will not be great. In fact. the sheer \‘UILlIllC of entertainment on offer is only sustainable thanks to a local council ruling that obliges eyery festival-goer to attend at least one performance of irredeetnable badness. So choose wisely! Whether it’s a radical l'krainian improy troupe or a .\'oh theatre production of The 'I‘lmrnhin/s. as long as the audience is uncomfortably small and the room uncomfortably hot or cold. as long as a good proportion
of the crowd have left by half time and you are left pinned to your seat by the awful weight of social discomfort. you'ye done your duty.
Good shows
Obviously. not all shows are had. A small selection like mine --- are almost embarrassingly good. So how can you tell if a show is going to be good'.’ Well. after the first week. you can tell because it‘s sold
getting a ticket.
Sex
It‘s a scientific fact that most women fancy men who make them laugh on purpose. So that's fine for the. not so good for a clown like you. You could try to bathe in my reflected glory by
John Fardell
STREET ACTé TO LOOK OUT FOR
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out and you haven't the smallest hope of
chatting to some ladies in the (iilded Balloon bar after my show. Rendered giggly and compliant by my extraordinary wit. they may present you with a brief. moist window of opportunity. But don‘t spoil it by trying to tell them ‘jokes’.
It’s a 24 hour party, people
In Iidinburgh it’s not only easy but also legal to drink alcohol in licensed premises for very nearly 24 hours at a stretch. Start off at lunchtime in the I’leasance courtyard bar. with perhaps a qttick detour to rub shoulders with the soap-dodgers at the Pear Tree in West Nicholson Street. Ilead over to the New Town for cocktails in the rather more elegant bars around (ieorge Street and a plethora of cheap Italian restaurants in I)undas Street. After dinner. it's a quick hop back across town Via the Assembly Rooms bar to Late and Live at the (iilded Balloon ( lam—4am) then to the Bongo (‘1th in New Street for dancing until 5.
Now. technically. there‘s a murky hour or so to kill at this point ~ and what a murky hour it is. my friends? -— but the more adyentttrotts among you will no dottbt enjoy some genteel banter and perhaps a quick game of fiye-a-side with the locals amid the bushes of (‘alton llill (Used condoms for goalposts). (‘ome ban]. you will stagger through the portals of the Penny Black (around the corner from the (‘afe Royal in West Register Street) with an emotion close to relief.
And as long as you are not oyerwhelmed by the stench of beer-filled ashtrays and despair. you can then lean against the (slightly sticky) wall and dribble into your pint of (iuinness until your 24 hours are tip.
Jimmy Carr’s Bare Faced Ambition, Gilded Balloon Teviot, 226 2151, until 26 Aug (not 20), 8.15pm, £8.50—£9.50 (£7.50-£8.50).
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6 THE LIST FESTIVAL GUIDE "