Groupie therapy
BRENDON BURNS on the strange allure of the stand-up comic
oung male comics of the festival. rejoice! Not only
during the course of the next few weeks will you
improve immensely. but also as an added bonus. there are people here that want to sleep with you. They are known as gag bags: a phrase first coined by Donna McPhail in 1994.
It is well documented that comedians don’t get groupies but rather drunk men telling them jokes. But while we don‘t generate the sex appeal of the average rock star. actor or. dare I say. Democratic American President. if you are on stage. someone. somewhere is going to find you attractive. The idea that someone is going to see a comedian with the express purpose of fornicating with them may be a foreign one. but come festival time. happen it does indeed.
This is the only time in a comedian‘s yearly schedule that gaggles of young girls will be headed toward them with a train ticket and a checklist including their name. In the past this has always been a particularly frightening notion to me. as I kind of act like an arsehole for a living. Any woman that finds me sexy after seeing my show I can‘t help but wonder why she doesn’t just find a man that mistreats her. ‘\\'ow. he seemed so angry and volatile up there. I wonder if I can get his number."
So. my hopeful young compadres. by all means go out and give these girls their 15 minutes of fame. but jast be warned you are now a statistic on a chart. You will be eompared to your peers in a thoroughly unprofessional manner. Before you know it you‘ll just be a rtmg on a ladder as she starts to turn tip everywhere you are.
The last thing you want hanging around you is a groupie.
Groupies are not renowned for their mental acumen or
stability. So once the rubbing and touching is done you will have nothing to talk about other than how funny you are. I am aware that most people regard comics as egotistical bastards
John Fardell
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who would love to be told how hilarious they are until their admirer is blue in the face. but there is very little that one can say to that other than ‘thank you' and pretend to be in a rush somewhere. l'nless of course you're Adam Bloom. in which case you will proceed to tell that person exactly lt'/I_\' you are so funny until
they are forced to pretend to be m a If you are I‘tlslt somewhere.*
You may hav e on stage, noticed that I'm someone, excluding women comics from this
Is gonng to find you attractive
social scenario and for good reason. :\s any female stand- up will attest. they don‘t get groupies. They either get drunken men telling them jokes or they get hit on by other comics who are trying to avoid groupies. l have also neglected to mention the bounty of gay performers. That is for the simple reason that this phenomenon only happens to us straights at festi\als. When you’re gay every day is groupie day.
Shut up. :\dam.
Brendon Burns: The Thinking Man’s Idiot, Pleasance, until 26 Aug (not 6), 11pm, 29-210 (528-529)
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