Rear view —
A sense of hummus
Comedians’ eating habits aren’t what they were says JENNY ECLAIR
hings start very badly indeed. My flight is
delayed by three-and-a-half hours. This is
because the plane is ‘broken‘. The 4.40pm leaves at 8.10pm. There‘s a load of professional lady golfers in pink tank tops on board. I am very superstitious and lady golfers are atnong sortie of the things I atn most frightened of. We are bound to die. only ifl concentrate very hard will that plane stay up.
Thanks to my sheer will power. we live.
As we land safely and I begin to relax the muscles in my neck. a woman asks me if this is my first time at the Iidinburgh I’ringe. I laugh. it sounds very hollow. like I‘m laughing in a cave. people begin to stare. Apparently I am crying.
Things perk tip when I discover that my flat is slap bang next door to an off-licence and a broken dollies hospital. ah — but my front door key doesn’t wot'k properly. more tears and this time 1 wet my pants. liventually. a woman who is waiting for an ambulance to take her to hospital. bothers to let me in and l climb 7()() stairs to the top Hat. by which time I am boiling hot and my damp knickers are steaming.
l‘ortunately my flatmates (l)an Antopolski. (‘hris Addison and Richard Herring) are out and I am able to snoop around their rooms. stealing small change. I am much happier now. in fresh dry pants. I look in the fridge. expecting to see the usual comedians‘ fare — a (iinstcrs sausage roll. a small bun with a cherry on the top -— but bugger me. there‘s leafy things and stuff like hummus and real tomatoes and cheese that isn't in a tube. This is obviously the work of (‘hris Addison:
John Fardell
who else would buy crumpets and Lapsanv Souchong‘.’ I‘m not used to this. normally I share a flat with Simon Munnery who gobs green rubbery mucus into empty fag packets/match boxes/egg cups/my hair.
I decide not to go out. I am starting the Festival late. this is because I have been filming a new comedy drama for BBCZ (I’m not really. I just made that up). I feel a bit like a new girl starting the autumn term in November. I have only bought wispy little tops and things made out of muslin and lace. I pttt the central heating on. light a small fire in the waste paper basket in my room and drink the miniature bottles of dry white wine the nice homosexual air steward gave me to calm me down on the flight. I can‘t drink all ten of them but I manage seven and spill the rest.
This year. I‘m at a new Pleasance venue called the Dome. For some reason I thought it might be
My flatmates are out and I am able to snoop around their rooms, stealing small change
architecturally a bit ‘(‘hristopher Wren‘. It isn‘t. it's a student union building. I was a bit upset till I saw that it‘s got a shop where you can buy (iinsters sausage rolls and cheese in a tube.
Backstage. on my first night. I realise that I am the most pre-menstntal l have ever been in my life. my intro tape — which is meant to sound like a sexy motor bike revving up —< sounds like a pig in breach birth. I really should have gone to the lavaton earlier — too late. I cross my fingers and throw tnyselfon stage.
Jenny Eclair — Middle Aged Bimbo, Pleasance Dome, 8.40pm until 27 Aug.
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