crazed lone bomber acting on his hatred of the New World Order which he saw as perverting the course of history'.’ Was it a semi- miscarriage ofjustice with a right-wing martyr taking the
‘l on being really rude and with my interviewees because we share a genuine
dismissive of us.‘ recalls Ronson. ‘You can‘t have this. you can‘t have that: you can‘t get onto the hydraulic stage and we were getting really grumpy. So. Frank just
rap while his co-terrorists ran jumped onto it and it rose for the hills‘.’ Or. most sense 9f, into the air. way above the disturbingly were govern- parano'a audience and it tripped off all
ment agencies behind the bombing in some warped way of clamping down on the gun nuts of ‘patriotic’ America? Instead. in the first half. Ronson altnost re-invented himself as stand-up comic. Amiably shuffling around. he recalled being deep within Bohemian Grove as (maybe) the leaders of the world dressed up in hoods and cloaks. peed against trees and
these smoke effects. So. he‘s on top of this hydraulic stage going [adopts spot-on Sidebottom nasal delivery] “come on. come on". They were absolutely furious and they started chasing Frank about when he jumped off the stage: so he got away and took off his head and suit and when they caught up. it was like: “did you see which way Sidebottom went?“
performed bizarre rituals before an owl god. Or he would have a mild dig at his friend Louis Theroux. Or chatted about being caught in the middle of a fian attack on David Icke in Canada.
This ad-hocery is the Ronson modus operandi. ‘l'm not an academic or an investigative journalist and -, a u the reason for doing what I do is to write funny things about people.’ says the man recently described by A.A. Gill as ‘the Norman Wisdom of investigative journalism‘. ‘I do the opposite to what journalists are supposed to do: instead of knowing all the facts. I go in knowing
Jon Ronson I'HEXI
“Yeah. that way". He was a strange kind of genius.‘ Soon. Ronson was finding his way into column writing. most notably. ‘Human Zoo’ for Saturday's Guardian and then making documentaries in which he would shadow a reluctant and brusque Ian Paisley on his mission around Africa or review comedy acts for a solid month as part of the Perrier panel: tricky to decide which fate is worse. And then he launched into a five—year task putting the conspiracy theorists‘ nightmares to the test. Projects in the pipeline include a possible non-
nothing. All I need is to go in
with one line or a single idea. With Omar [Bakri. the Islamic Fundamentalist based in Tottenham] it was. here‘s a man who‘s trying to overthrow democracy but he lives amongst us. so he has to do it using democracy. And with the whole Secret Rulers Of The World thing. I thought that if there really is a secret room. wouldn‘t it be funny to find it? So. I go in with one idea and the rest is completely off the cuff.‘
His previous existence in the music industry appears similarly improvised. Having worked on local radio with Caroline Aherne and Craig Cash. the Welsh—born. Manchester-educated Ronson began playing keyboards with fruity indie-poppers The Man From Delmonte and large-faced legend Frank Sidebottom. In Chris Morris style. he was sacked from both bands.
‘No one would say that it was what you‘d call great art. but I really loved working with Frank Sidebottom. The audience were half closing their eyes and pretending it was a proper gig and we were half closing our eyes and thinking it was a proper gig. but we could never delude ourselves into thinking we were special.‘
Had Frank Sidebottom somehow been a fearful critic of the shadowy elite or acted like a 24/7 conspiracy theorist. there is one crazed moment which could have easily have earned itself a chapter in Them. ‘There was the time we supported Gary Glitter and his people were
starter on anti-abortionists in Cumbernauld (‘They‘ll only let me interview them if I give them my home address: I'm not telling a bunch of bloody anti-abortionists where I live. I‘ve sent them my book and wait to hear from them‘) and fallen music irnpresario Jonathan King ( ‘At least it's a chance to hear all those I()CC and early Genesis songs again‘ ).
He also turns stuff down. like appearing on those Top Ten or 100 Greatest or I Love-type tribute shows: ‘they‘re always amazed when you turn them down. when of course you're going to say yes.’ And he‘s had to abandon a project on the Bush family as he can’t get a handle on it. particularly as neither of the Georges will talk.
But. all this groundwork. ditched projects. unformulated plans and works—in-early-progress leave him with one final. looming paranoia. ‘l have this nightmare vision that in ten years‘ time. all I‘ll have to tell people is that I was once chased around Portugal by the Bilderberg Group: I‘m really worried about that. It's a new situation for me where people seem to have really enjoyed what I‘ve done and there‘s a pressure there for the first time. What if I don't do anything as good as this again‘.’ That's my latest paranoia.‘
The wind rises again.
Jon Ronson reads at Charlotte Square Gardens, 14 Aug, noon.
paran id
an roids
While most of Jon Ronson’s subjects are fiery fundamentalists, they betray their scariness by saying some really odd things.
" David Icke Conspiracy Theorlst k “Come on, Ted Heath! 1.) Sue me it you've
nothing to hide! Come on. George Bush! I'm ready! Sue me! I‘m naming names! Why are they refusing to sue me? Because they are twelve-foot Iizards!‘
Denis Healey Bilderberg Member ‘No. Fuck oft' (when Ronson asks it he could see some photos of Healey and his fellow Bilderbergers at 'work').
Ian Paisley Protestant Pioneer ‘0 Father! We can see the great pan-nationalist conspiracy. with the Pope at its head. sending his secret messages to the IRA.“
Omar Bakri Tottenham Ayatollah ‘The Koran tells me how I should eat. sleep, fight and die. The Koran even tells me I should break wind in the direction of the non-believer.’
Alex Jones
Talk Show Host ‘You've got presidents and governors and prime ministers running around naked. They have orgies. They worship their devil owl.‘
- I! Thom Robb Ku Klux Klan Grand “ Wizard ‘When I met Muriel, I knew she was Miss Right. I just ‘ didn't know that her first name was Always. Ha! Ha! No. ‘ just kidding.’
Frank Sidebottom Pap/er-Mached Mus/clan ‘You're fi red. '
Them:
= l Adventures With Extremists is published by Picador priced £16.
9-15 Aug 2001 THE LIST FESTIVAL GUIDE 13