I I Raking through the dustbin of gossip and trivia
I So. how long did yOur new year's resolutions last? About as long as it took you to realise that without the connection of alcohol, cigarettes and sex toys. all your friends seem to be a bunch of parasites who eXist for the sole reason of holding you back in life. Even your cat hates you and you must know that cats talk to rabbits and rabbits talk to Richard Adams. the author of Waters/iip Down. and he knows everyone yOu know so he's told them all your secrets and everyone is laughing at you behind yOUr back. Yes there's nothing like post Hogmanay (what Hoginaiiay’?i paranoia. so if you have returned to bad ways. Why don't you give yourself a break? It was a stupid idea to stop everything that makes life worth hung in the first place. If you have returned to the fags log onto wwwfakefagsco.uk and buy yourself a selection of fake Cigarette health warning stickers that claim ‘Smoking is big and clever'. ‘Smoking is cool' and best of all 'Please don't tell my mum”. If you do happen to bump into Insider’s mum. that last slogan really does need to be adhered to. d'you hear?
r ‘ butteries?
I Aberdeen. dear old Aberdeen. it seems yOu are being punished for something. First God gave yOu Oll and then he gave you Cameron ‘dullard' Steut in panto. And now Patsy Palmer. the woman who is to musical theatre what the late Thora Hird was to action thrillers. in Andrew Lloyd Webber’s truly anaemic 1979 one woman music; 2 To" Mr " Sunday. All lnSider can do is commiserate and offer the suggestion that iust as St Kilda was once abandoned. it can be now be reclaimed. The cockney sparra doesn't have the Wing span to carry her to the edge of the world but. then again. With a bit of effort . . .
I Indian policemen are being paid a moustache bonus of (30 rupees (about 40p) a month after research showed that officers With smart facial hair were taken more seriously. The Greater Manchester Police are
boyfriend at Justin
Timberlake's private party in London. Church's heckles were raised when her ex. Steven Johnson. turned up With his new girlfriend. Tamzin Proctor. Proctor apparently shrieked with laughter when Church almost
stumbled. Insider has to
intervene here. Sorry. but Charlotte. you are a goddess. and this bit of fluff is clearly below you. There must be a thousand burly Welsh choir buggers who would happily tear that boy and his bitch apart for you. As they (don‘t) say in the valleys: 'pluck and tear the weeds where the daffodils will grow.‘
allegedly said to be racking their brains to see if they could use the same tactics after recent appalling accusations of institutional racism. Liam Gallagher masks have already been dismissed as an option.
I More bad people dOing bad bad things. R Kelly. the rapper whose public image has slightly altered of late. has been in talks with Broadway producers With a view to penning the score for a musical version of Stallone's film. Rocky. Surprisingly. neither Ben Elton nor Don King have entered the frame. Also Charlotte Church was to be found recently slipping on vol au vents and trying to out-dance her
‘4'? h a} . 3W: -...
Grifting the retro shilling
I Ah. the memories of youth. With every new year Insider's thoughts generally turn to suicide and self abuse in a bid to cheat the monstrous passage of time. Was it really all those years ago that Insider criss crossed, banjaxed and triple wheelied the cul de sacs and half built roads of Scotland's suburbs? It's all coming back now. and there is one name that drifts aCross the sands of time louder than any other: the Raleigh Chopper. No. not the psychotic travelling Elizabethan nobleman but the Harley Davidson of the recalcitrant juvenile. Ten times heavier than your mate’s bike and three times more unwieldy. the Chopper was always the bike of choice for your common or garden neighbourhood show off. How Insider cherished those endless. balmy days balancing on that seat that looks like it was made for two but was in reality 'designed to carry only one person at a time'. while Crunch changing those viciously unresponsive line gears. Along with red ants in the anal tract and dandelion and burdock. these are among Insider's more cherishable memories.
Well. now a whole new generation can have these memories for themselves. Despite having ceased production on the road warrior in 1979. after selling 1.5 million of the things. Raleigh has decided to bring them back. retaining more or less all the features of the original. Retailing at a hefty 2250. Raleigh. however. seems to have forgotten to take one thing into consideration in its drive for the retro shilling. Most of today’s kids are so obese. they won‘t even get past the peddles. D'you want a leg up. fatty? Better stick to the Tour de France computer game. bubba.
‘I recently met a gentleman and he came back to mine for coffee. He said: “I can’t believe I’m snogging the Oxo mum.” I showed him the door straight away.’ Lynda Belling/rain just can't get off the gravy train of her past.
‘lt’s a form of challenge on the Church by the programme makers. I strongly urge the priest’s local bishop to intervene at once and stop this spectacle.’
Cardinal Er'silio for in ii gets his cassock in a twrst over one of the Pope's soldiers being signed up for Italy Big Brother.
‘I can’t begin to know the sadness that will envelop me when I leave these people. I have ambulances lined up for February.’
Sarah Jessica Parker ponders the iriipending climax of Sex and the City.
‘lt’s obvious that she’s trying to make an impact but it all seems rather sad and desperate to me.’
Max Clifford condemns Victoria Beck/iani after her latest photo opportunity involved sticking her mucky paws down liubl)ie's trousers.
‘Never let anyone say Prince Charles is a bad guy, ‘cause he’s alright by the Osbournes.’
Sharon Osbourne reflects on HRH grvrng her recovering alcoholic husband a bottle of whisky as a gift.
‘I love to paint most with my Alice in Wonderland children’s paint set that somebody gave me once. My favourite colour to paint with is pink. That’s quite odd.’
Marilyn Mt’inson on his loss than demonic leisure time.
Pretty in pink?
Mia" 5‘ iet‘ THE LIST 9